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Thursday, April 28, 2011

Let Me Go

Found this serious pic in my archives and thought it suited
my mood at the moment.
There is a reason.
My Vipassana teacher told me my craving to push myself was very strong. I had trouble relaxing in the moment. If meditation felt effortless, I deemed it couldn't be that easy and I was being lazy and needed to push myself make it hard.
My life is very, very, complicated at the moment. I am driving my self ahead in many directions. Driven to excess.
Of course, things happen that shake one up. Again, tonight, in the eleventh hour, I have received a phone call to tell me my thesis defense is cancelled yet again. The external has decided she wants many changes. I have put in way, way too many hours on this thesis. Too many. I am done with it. I can do minor corrections but anything else--no. It is a good, solid, groundbreaking thesis. I stand by that.
However, the news is a kick in the stomach. Another set back in my schedule. A schedule I can no longer keep up. I need to be twenty women to live the life I expect of just me.
I must dig deep in my Buddhist knowledge and try to follow the teachings. Simplicity is needed. Letting go. My drive to be better, stronger and faster always catches up with me. It's let go or crash.
 What to let go of? Almost everything. I had no idea a thesis would take over my entire life like this. I have been trying to juggle being a mom, seeking jobs, getting certified in Zumba, getting a painting collection started again, editing my novel, getting my BC teaching certificate to name a few things. I cannot do it all anymore. The thesis is huge--it takes all my time and thoughts. I have to surrender to this one goal and forget the rest for now. It hurts to surrender. Hurts because I am sick of this thesis---wanting to  move on ahead full steam to my other interests. But I cannot. The thesis refuses to let me go. Surrender or bust.

My life seems to get more complicated and Peter's seems to get easier. He won another teacher of the year award at UBC today and he's presenting a paper in Barcelona, Spain this summer.

Me? I am working hard and hitting yet more set backs. Unknown to me, I lost weight on the retreat. I didn't notice until I tried on my Ralph Lauren jeans that should fit me tight. They are too big. Last time they were big was when I caught the 2 week flu in San Antonio, Texas. No sweat though, I just got back from ordering myself a Dairy Queen Blizzard.

Surrender to the process, my sister tells me. Bask in the glory of knowing and sharing. I have learned so very, very much about the grassroots digital world of story telling--a hidden world no one can even access unless they are a part of this covert subculture. I have a few conferences scheduled where I must present my work--my study and findings. These are the things I must focus on. Sharing my knowledge.

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