Let Me Go

Found this serious pic in my archives and thought it suited
my mood at the moment.

There is a reason.
My Vipassana teacher told me my craving to push myself was very strong. I had trouble relaxing in the moment. If meditation felt effortless, I deemed it couldn't be that easy and I was being lazy and needed to push myself make it hard.
My life is very, very, complicated at the moment. I am driving my self ahead in many directions. Driven to excess.
Of course, things happen that shake one up. Again, tonight, in the eleventh hour, I have received a phone call to tell me my thesis defense is cancelled yet again. The external has decided she wants many changes. I have put in way, way too many hours on this thesis. Too many. I am done with it. I can do minor corrections but anything else--no. It is a good, solid, groundbreaking thesis. I stand by that.
However, the news is a kick in the stomach. Another set back in my schedule. A schedule I can no longer keep up. I need to be twenty women to live the life I expect of just me.
I must dig deep in my Buddhist knowledge and try to follow the teachings. Simplicity is needed. Letting go. My drive to be better, stronger and faster always catches up with me. It's let go or crash.
 What to let go of? Almost everything. I had no idea a thesis would take over my entire life like this. I have been trying to juggle being a mom, seeking jobs, getting certified in Zumba, getting a painting collection started again, editing my novel, getting my BC teaching certificate to name a few things. I cannot do it all anymore. The thesis is huge--it takes all my time and thoughts. I have to surrender to this one goal and forget the rest for now. It hurts to surrender. Hurts because I am sick of this thesis---wanting to  move on ahead full steam to my other interests. But I cannot. The thesis refuses to let me go. Surrender or bust.

My life seems to get more complicated and Peter's seems to get easier. He won another teacher of the year award at UBC today and he's presenting a paper in Barcelona, Spain this summer.

Me? I am working hard and hitting yet more set backs. Unknown to me, I lost weight on the retreat. I didn't notice until I tried on my Ralph Lauren jeans that should fit me tight. They are too big. Last time they were big was when I caught the 2 week flu in San Antonio, Texas. No sweat though, I just got back from ordering myself a Dairy Queen Blizzard.

Surrender to the process, my sister tells me. Bask in the glory of knowing and sharing. I have learned so very, very much about the grassroots digital world of story telling--a hidden world no one can even access unless they are a part of this covert subculture. I have a few conferences scheduled where I must present my work--my study and findings. These are the things I must focus on. Sharing my knowledge.

Stanley Park, Vancouver, BC

Mist and Pip at Stanley park last weekend. Tabs was feeling a little under the weather so she rested in the van with her dad.
Tabs advanced in track to the division meet in long jump. So she will take tuesday off next week to attend the track meet. She's quite a little jock. She's tiny but powerful.

First, a heart felt condolence for the loss of my sister Catherine's dear dog Patrick--who died tragically yesterday. A dear little dog.

I had the worst dreams last night: frustration and being ignored, collapsing lifestyle and major unhappiness were the main themes. No doubt from yesterday's horrible time. I spent all day on the computer--wrote up 7 pages of forms--long paragraph style answers, all details about my research. Only to find out I'd done it on sandbox instead of rise and it was all mysteriously erased. I am so beyond mad, frustrated, unhappy. This ethics process has stalled me and lost me so many days, hours--the site is horrible, confusing and pathetically designed and no one offers any guidance--now, someone has access to all the nitty gritty details of my "ground breaking" research. F!

Gotta run a busy, busy day! And I can finally confess (as she is at school and won't read this until after the fact): Misty is getting a surprise award today at her school's award ceremony. Peter and I are to come to the auditorium at 1 pm today to view her getting the award--I don't even know what it is for--it is all hush, hush.

Little Pretties

Pip and Artemi today in my backyard.

A fun weekend with Peter's sister Grace and niece Courtney visiting. Peter made his famous pomme-frites for them--way too good. The girls enjoyed watersliding, wine tours and home tours with their rellies and a camp-out style sleep over at Auntie M's.

Still stalled on thesis--have written in vain for help--will demand Peter sit down with me tonight until we figure it all out.

Travel vaccs this afternoon--no, no, no...
May take up Mist's idea that we need "Taco Del Mar" tonight.

Dog a pain in the butt--at the moment tipping over the kitchen garbage.

Enjoying my first "fun" read in ages: French Kissing--I feel as though I am living in Paris as I read it.

Encountered an ass at the gym. A fat man who was so rude. Assumed he could load down a machine with 100 lb weights, go ride the bike for 10 minutes and that no one would dare touch "his" machine. As I unloaded all the heavy weights and put on my own, he raced out on no where to announce "I have one more set." I ignored him and continued finishing adding my weights and then said innocently, "Oh, you had one more set?" He begrudgingly backed off saying, "well, since you've switched them now..." and I silently cursed him, wondering where on earth such self absorbed, rude men are born?