The Micro (do-it-yourself) Spiritual Retreat

The more Buddhist philosophy I read, the more I realize how little of life's truths I know. Even the truths I have learned often become lost again in daily life. I try to keep up my meditation practices. I have tired various meditation techniques. I favour my own unique mix. This micro-retreat is for anyone who enjoys meditation. One does not have to be a Buddhist to attempt this micro-retreat. This is my own unique way of combining meditations.

The Micro (do-it-yourself)  Spiritual Retreat

I am a do-it yourself kind of a girl. This applies to my spirituality. I like to find truths along the way of my own spiritual path. I don't need to hold anyone's hand to meditate. I read, search out spiritual leaders to learn from, but ultimately, like everyone else, I travel the spiritual path alone. Though, I must say, I do enjoy attending weekly group meditations when I can and retreats away are the best.

Spring is a time of rebirth and thus, one needs to rebirth one's mind (I wish I could disappear into a Buddhist Monastery to expedite the process but alas I have to find that mind of mine in the forests surrounding my home). I recommend one find a little space in nature, bring a hot or cool beverage, depending on the weather, and a picnic blanket. Sit.

Pippi and I happy to have found the perfect spot for a micro retreat.

•  My first suggestion is a little unconventional for most meditators but it works. It really helps one clear out the mind of pressing worries before one starts to seriously attempt to meditate. My philosophy is to calm the immediate concerns about one's life so one can truly enjoy the mediation process. To do this I suggest one go through one's life mandala to see if one is on track. This is done in one's mind--a virtual check list. Go through a mental breakdown of the mandala and take note on which areas you are currently working on according to your set goals and which areas need more work. Awareness is the key. Be aware of what you are doing right and what needs a little more attention.

*If you haven't already written down and know your life mandala then do that first (prior to the mini-retreat). Pen and paper or a lap top needed for this step. A life Mandala is an overall map of your life--all the areas you must include and pay attention to. My mandala includes spiritual quests, career, health, fitness, hobby pursuits, home and even personal upkeep:grooming and fashion. I list the most simplified basic goal (s) in this area. If one can keep on top of the most basic, simplified goal (s) in any one area of one's life--one's mandala is in order and life does not become overwhelming. The mandala is fluid, thus it must be updated and changed as one's life changes. Nothing is set in stone. However, the most basic goals should not change too much (if they truly are simplified and attainable they are usually somewhat flexible). 

Pippi enjoying the tea ceremony meditation.

• Next step is to put the Mandala out of one's mind. Clear the mind and meditate. A tea ceremony meditation is a lovely way to start. Sip a piping hot cup of tea very slowly, very quietly. Just sit and sip and enjoy the sensual experience of the tea. Think of nothing, just enjoy the sensations of sipping hot tea from your cup. Take time.
• The next step is to seriously clear the mind of pressing baggage before a longer meditation. I find it helpful to deal with my life's problems through visitation/visualization meditations. I perform a compassion meditation. In my mind, I receive each and every person whom I have an issue with. I take from them every negative emotion I detect them as having and recycle these emotions into compassion. It is calming to realize that those that cause us the most pain are often in pain themselves. If I am having issues with myself then I do the same thing for myself with my own negative emotions (yes, I'm always on my own hot seat). This visualization should be done before the nothingness meditation. 
• Finally, true meditation time. There are many different ways to meditate but at some point one needs to completely clear the mind to nothingness.  This is something one must research on their own--how to meditate. I personally practice a technique I learned through Vipassana meditation: focusing on sensations throughout the body. Eventually the mind clears and one's mind is at peace indefinitely until one decides to end the meditation. Mediate for as long as you wish. 

Once the mind is clear, pack up your blanket and head home with a fresh mind.

Note: you will not be able to do the serious "nothingness" meditation with your little darlings. If you bring your babes, the retreat will most likely end after the tea!

Pippi and I after having finished our micro-spiritual retreat--time for a cuddle and nearly ready to walk down the mountain and head back home.

A Stroll Along the Promenade

Pictures taken this past weekend along the "promenade" walk downtown on the lake front.

Life is so much work. I am always in the building phase of everything it seems--I long to be established at something!

I revisited my novel as I am sending it away to publishers again...I dreaded it as there is nothing more dreadful than sending one's work away to publishers: the paper work, fiddly snail-mail stuff, covering letters, queries and outlines and not to mention long waits and rejections. Anyway, despite all of that, on opening my novel and reading the first chapter, it was as though I'd come home. It was a delight to work on it again and makes the whole process more bearable.

Last night, Peter and I returned from picking Mist up from drama practice across the lake. We arrived home at about 8:30 p.m. We'd left Tabs babysitting the Pip. As soon as I walked in the door I heard a firm, authoritative voice barking out orders and music blaring. I peeked through the glass studio door to witness the most adorable scene: Tabs teaching Pip how to ballroom dance.
Tabs was the most stern, serious teacher I've witnessed and her pupil Pip was adorable (dressed only in underpants with her little butt crack showing as Tabs flung her about the room). Tabs kept instructing Pip to stand up straighter and take the dance more "seriously." The couple of dancers stopped in abrupt shock during a dramatic spin when they discovered me observing them through the door.

Tonight is Mist's final band concert. She plays the base clarinet and is very talented at playing "him." She named the instrument Monty.

Tabs choir concert was delightful on Sunday. I find myself with a huge grin on my face the entire time I watch her sing. It is such a joyous treat for me--listening to her choir and watching them sing lifts my spirit such that if I could sell the feeling, I would be rich. All of the little singers are adorable. And my darling Tabs always has a smile.

Tried out another Zumba class. Trying to find a way to teach on UBC campus. Campus Rec acts like I must apply to teach for them, I thought I could just rent a room, advertise and go for it. Perhaps there are several ways to teach on campus...

A friend of mine and I want to get together for open meditation meetings (any form of meditation welcome--my friend doesn't like Vipassana) so perhaps we shall organize that and leave the Vipassana for a time when the serious meditators contact me out if genuine interest.

So little time to learn Spanish. I may just have to wing it while in Spain. 

Looking for Buddha in All the Wrong Places

Pip and Tabs in Hawaii (Big Island), March 2010
*note Tabs' bloody eye from body surfing incident.

My spiritual journey through Buddhism --from the very first meditation lesson I received and the Buddhist philosophy books I've read--has often been frustrating and disappointing. Though in fact, the first lesson was the best (I loved the happy nun who taught it)  and I admit the most rewarding Buddhist information I have received is through books. Without the books I would be lost.
Perhaps Western Canada is a  spiritual wasteland, at least as far as Buddhism is concerned. I have yet to meet any inspirational Buddhist leaders in Kelowna or fellow meditators.
I could tell so many strange stories about the odd characters I've encountered on my journey. The grotty basements I have been to... the peanut-butter-eating, lip-smacking arrogant monks...all in the name of my spiritual quest.
I am searching for the secrets of the universe. I believe Buddhism holds at least one of the keys.
My latest disappointment lies in believing other Vipassana "leaders" are genuine. I did much service, finding the experienced Vipassana students a place to meditate and the woman who was supposed to be one of the leaders based in Kelowna proved to be untrustworthy. So yet again, it seems a meditation group based in Kelowna is not to be.
So meditating in isolation seems to be the Kelowna norm for a true Theravada Buddhist. Vipassana was different in that I found my teacher Veronika to be somewhat inspirational. However, the Vipassana centre was frustrating in many ways too. I am not speaking of the gruelling aspects but rather how that because they are a non secular form of mediation (although based on Buddhism), one learns very little philosophy. They gear the meditation trainings to the masses. I felt stifled. Because I have read much Buddhist philosophy and have meditated on my own for years, I advanced quickly and wanted more, yet they are focused on teaching basic meditation to the masses.
What's an aspiring Buddha to do?
It gives me comfort knowing that earthly spiritual quests are horrid for the most part. I look at Jesus Christ and how his earthly spiritual quest ended with his own torture and brutal murder at the hands of ignorant haters.
So yes, my journey is a cake walk thus far.

Okanagan Spring Flora

Saskatoon Berry Blossom

Balsam Root 

Oregon Grape

Balsam Root and Ponderosa Pine in Distance

Purple Aven

After starting 2011 with self imposed strict deadlines for finishing my thesis and finding a job, I have finally, seriously let go. Letting go is the very best feeling. I'm taking my darling daughter Mistaya's advice to "just do what you want to do mom."
I am back enjoying the very activities that have brought me my greatest life joys: hanging with my girls. I am most happy when we are together having fun.
This morning I walked Tabs and her friend to school. I loaded up Pip in the stroller and harnessed Fernando and down the mountain we strode. It is the most beautiful spring day ever in the Okanagan. It took us only about 40 minutes to walk down the mountain. I most enjoyed it. It made me wish I could walk my girls to school daily.  I then turned around and headed back up the mountain--stopping to rescue a snail trapped trying to cross a busy trail and then at the park for Pip to play once we reached the mountain top. The walk, and 20 minutes at the park took me a total time of 1 h 45 min.
Spent last evening at the theatre with all of my girls as Tabs and Mist are in the play "Camp Rock" that will debut in August. The theatre director made everyone in the theatre stand up and tell their name--little Pip was so cute.
Taking Mist to the mall after school to shop for a few odds and ends before she leaves on her band trip to Vancouver in the early morning. May treat her to a frapuccino after all--they're still on sale and we love to Stop for a break at Starbucks when shopping.
Final thesis revisions are what I am working on. This process has truly turned me off academia. But the good news is I am doing what I want and I am so enjoying it and looking forward to all I have lined up for myself. No panic anymore--just enjoying each step.
The cool thing about Vipassana meditation is you think--how can this be helping my life? Sure I am calm and focused while I do it but does it have any real lasting effects? The answer is yes. I feel my dedication is paying off in simply me finally being able to let go and just do what I want without the feeling of self-imposed panic.

Much Happiness

This is the opening screen to my power point presentation on my thesis. My thesis is about the covert story telling by cyberstuffies that happens in a subculture on Facebook.

I am happy.
My presentation was a great success. Just arrived home from it. I rate my success by many modes. First, I wasn't too nervous and I spoke confidently and told all of my planned humorous stories and got a few laughs. Secondly, it was the biggest crowd over 3x larger than the crowds for the other 2 presentations I attended. Third, I got bombarded with questions afterward as I sat on the panel. The panel I was on was titled Identity. Fourthly, I had people approach me after the session and ask more questions. And finally, a professor at the University approached me afterward and asked if I wanted to collaborate on a paper with her about "audience in pop culture"--to present at conferences with her.

My kamma is changing. Vipassana promises a good often huge positive kamma change if you follow the path. I am following the path of Theravada Buddhism which is the same path as Vipassana. It involves following the Buddhist moral conduct codes and dedicated meditation. I credit this path as well as my own attempts to follow the social literacy code I know to be true--thanks to life's hard knocks and my research on social literacy. This social literacy code is vital if one wants to navigate through society successfully. I am following the unwritten rules despite how much it hurts at times.

Doors are opening after so many months of struggles and misery. I am getting very close to choosing a direction and closing some of my options for the present. Another door that just opened is Greenpeace. After months of waiting, Greenpeace is suddenly very keen on me founding an Okanagan Chapter. This could prove to be very exciting. Tons of work but in a field I want to enter.

To keep the good kamma (Pali word for the sanskrit karma) going I will diligently follow the paths. Though, I admit, I have a conference supper at Summerhill Winery this evening. And I will indulge in one glass of organic wine. Because alcohol has never been my drug. I never get intoxicated. One glass once or twice a month is my limit. Chocolate is more my drug. I eat 99% and 90% dark chocolate daily. It keeps the endorphins flowing.

Vipassana: Dhamma Surabhi

Home again.
Looking rough and feeling hungry.

So much to capture in a few words. The eleven days felt like eleven months.
It was grueling.
It was amazing.
A line from Amazing Grace comes to mind, was blind but now I see.

Meditating twelve hour days.
Living like monks and nuns.
4 a.m. wake-up gong.
No food past 11 a.m.
Silence.
No communicating with the thirty other women and thirty men.
Three roommates in my room.
No writing, no reading.
Nothing but: meditate, eat a little, meditate some more and sleep at night.

The very first morning, with the wake up gong at 4 a.m., my instant reaction was to blurt out "oh man..."

That first morning meditation was an adventure. My eyes were closed, I was meditating and suddenly something heavy landed in my lap, I opened my eyes to discover a body on top of me. The woman in front of me had fainted and fallen back onto me, her head in my lap. When she came conscious, I helped her back up. Later, before we left, I spoke with her and she told me the eye contact I had with her and my arm around her shoulder gave her comfort and she knew she was o.k.
Then, the very next morning, in meditation hall, I received a tap on my shoulder. This time, it was the woman behind--alerting me that I had a huge spider crawling up my back. I looked at it and discovered it wasn't poisonous so I ignored it--I have never been afraid of spiders.

Vipassana was the most grueling of experiences and yet the most rewarding. I learned much.

It is an amazing meditation technique that I believe would benefit so many that suffer from brain damage. A bonus to the meditation is that as one mentally feels the body to find sensations everywhere, in doing so, sharpens and rewires the brain's body map.
It proved challenging to feel my legs as separate limbs after sitting crossed legged for so long--the brain morphs then into one entity (in the brain map) naturally. I had to work to separate them in my brain's body map and feel them as separate.
 The practice sharpened my mind such, that in mediation I felt my mind was like a laser that could burn a hole through matter if I focused it on one spot.
Also, if you know a little about neuro-science, you might understand that after so many hours of "feeling my entire body sensations", I was able to "see" my body with my eyes still closed. I looked down and my brain received optical images of my arms and legs even though I kept my eyes shut. I moved my hands and arms and watched in my brain like my eyes were open. The optical space in my brain was being stimulated by input from other than the eye lenses.

The most bizarre thing that happened was that I had life changing meditations. Very odd meditations. Not your traditional Vipassana. In one case, on day five, it was as though I touched a live electric wire. My entire body was on fire with electric like vibrations. These were very intense. And my eyes were moving rapidly although they were closed. It was not a pleasant sensation, as it was so intense.  The current through my body was very strong and it was like my skin was on fire. I honestly felt like I was floating above my cushion. My limbs were locked and my fingers stiff and immovable. But, like a good Vipassana meditator, I observed the entire experience and it lasted for a good 5-10 minutes and afterward I discovered tears running down my cheeks. While it was happening my entire inside was brightly lit like a sun was shining from within me. It was a little frightening as I thought bodily sensations like that only happened in supernatural thriller movies. It must have been the mother of all sankharas I was feeling (negative reaction surfacing from my subconscious mind).

On another day, the agony in my hips was too great. I couldn't sit still for the hour long "sitting of determination." I talked to the teacher afterward and said, "Womens' hips are not the same as mens. I have given birth three times, if Buddha had given birth three times, he would have moved his legs too." She laughed and agreed with me.

My roommates were cool. One woman commutes to the UN in Geneva (she founded a non profit organization for refugees from Afghanistan to make sure they have human rights in their new countries). Another just moved to Vancouver from Dubai. When the nobel silence finally ended on our last day, we talked so late that everyone else in centre was asleep but us. It was the middle of the night and all 4 of us crept down the dark hall to use the bathroom. It was rather humorous from our point of view that suddenly our fellow meditators were treated to the flush of all 4 toilets at once in the middle on the night (11 p.m. is the middle of the night when 4 a.m. is wake-up call).

I enjoyed their company even though one of my roommates was a tattle-tale. She complained to the management that I "wrote something with a pen on paper." Writing is against the rules. When my teacher asked me if I was the culprit from room #8 behind such a deed, I just laughed and said, "Guilty as charged. I can't believe someone tattled on me!" It felt like second grade prison.

 My humor pulled me through the entire eleven days. In the deadly silence, I would tell my self little jokes and hide my smiles. My humour must have been sensed in my energy because after the silence lifted on day ten, one of my roommates told me I should be a stand up comedian because everything I did made her laugh and she couldn't look at me all retreat because she would crack up.

One of the greatest gifts was on the morning of day eight, I was walking in the forest yard and I heard wolves howling. It was a dream come true. Wolves are so difficult to hear as they are rare. Dhamma Surabhi is located in pure mountain wilderness off of the Coquihalla. The forests are teaming with big mammals: moose, bear, cougars and wolves. And the stars! They shone so brightly at night, reminded me of how clear the sky is in Hawaii.

It was excruciating at times and what pulled me through were the little pleasures in life. I made friends with a squirrel and chipmunk in the forest and spent my few free minutes outside watching them. The squirrel had unearthed its stash of pine cones from last fall and would dig one out at a time and excitedly eat each one like a cob of corn.

Can I maintain the 2 h a day meditations to keep my mind free of misery? I will do my best. I will return to Dhamma Surabhi to serve while my girls are in summer mini-meditation camps. I am also in charge of finding us Kelowna meditators a place to meditate weekly as a group. I am very close to securing us a room on campus.
Thank-you, to the Buddhas-in-training that helped me find the path.